South Side Sing A Long
by SmoothieJames67
Summary: SmoothieJames67's debut story is presented in this hilarious, nonsensical parody of West Side Story
1. Opening Night

Everywhere from town, you could see dazzling searchlights waving frantically across the sky. Crowds cheering endlessly as the celebrities made their way down the red carpet and to the doors of the theater for opening night.

Flashing lights, famous people, and red carpets, you'd think that J.K. Rowling had comne out with the damn sixth book already and was signing bookds, but sadly enough, people back in 2004 America weren't that lucky. Instead, they got an extremely crappy re-make of one of America's timessless classic musicals with an all-star cast, bad acting, and cheesy impovisations to ensure a slaughter-house of disgraces for all musical remakes.

So, despite the merciless efforts to create a half-way decent updated version of immortalized favorites, anxious viewers and angry critics all filed in to the theater where they would soon laugh, cry, and kiss eight bucks goodbye. As soon as everyone was seated, the night's host got up to introduce the show.

"Good evening everyone," said Robin Leach, "and welcome to Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." Everyone in the audience gave him a queer look. "I mean, tonight's show. Tonight, I present to ye, South Side Sing-A-Long!" The crowd went wild. Beach balls and lighters filled the air amidst the raving. "And now," started Robin, "the cast!

"Playing the role of Tony, it's the fabulous tennage heartthrob who made his debut as Legolas in 'the Lord of the Rings', Orlando Bloom!" The black-haired teen icon walked across the stage and waved as he was bombarded with thongs and bras.

"Our next actor, known for his muscular bodybuilding skills, not to mention his expertise in politics - Arnold Schwarzenegger as Riff!" The audience went dead. "Go back to California!" a distressed viewer yelled. Arnold just smiled his attractive smile and made way for the other side of the stage.

"Playing the role of Bernardo, that action-packed Chinese stuntman - Jackie Chan!" The big fore-headed Chin entered the pit as he attacked two suspicious looking terrorists with a long wooden shaft in his right hand and forcefully kicked out a dozen badnits at the same time.

"And portraying the lovely Maria is the beautiiful and talented Selma Hayek!" A woman in a red Spainsh dress and a thick uni-brow walked on stage and gave a bow. Selma obviously still hadn't recovered from her role as Frida. Nonetheless, she still quite an applause. After all, she was the only actor in the cast who had been nominated for best actress at the 2003 Acadaemy Awards.

"And the rest of the cast includes, HIllary Duff as Anybody, Shia LeBueff as Baby John, David Hasselhoff as Action, Vanilla Ice as Ice, Simon Cowell as Doc, Catherine Zeta-Jones as Anita, Jet Li as Chino, Harrison Ford as Officer Krupke, and Keanu Reeves as Segeant Schrank!" The remaining stars walked across the stage and genlty bowed, then took their seats.

"And now, the Opening Overture to kick off the musical!" Suddenly, about tweny little dwarves came out whic could only mean one of two things: they were either Oompah Loompahs or the Lolipop Kids from The Wizard of Oz. But in fact, they were pint-sized satnd-in singers for the Weather Girls and the sang the overture - It's Raining Men. The midgets moved around in syncronated patterns and performed the most bootylicious dance moves, they would have put Brittany Spears to shame. After the opening dance number, the midgets left and the screen came down. The film started rolling and South Side Sing-A-Long began to play...


	2. Jet Song

****

Author's Notes: Well, that was the awesome amazing first introductory chapter. I promise all the others will be longer and funnier, but that was just a little something to start of the story. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Steve, and I am one of the writers for SmoothieJames67. Of course, i would not be writing this story if it weren't for the awesomely cool (and equally sexy) Nicole! We love writing parodies that make no sense at all and like to make fun of other celebrities, tv shows, movies, and other pathetic pieces of media in today's sorry society. We are huge fans of musicals, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and various types of fan fics. So please, read, review, and return for more :-)

****

Disclaimer: We do not own West Side Story. Because if we did, it would have been called "Nicole And Steve's Awesomely Cool Musical Entitled 'West Side Story' Which Will Eventually Be Remade Into A 2004 Version Starring Jackie Chan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Orlando Bloom, and Selma Hayek And Then Renamed 'South Side Sing-A-Long.' And it's not, is it?

****

Warning: We do not mean to insult Chinese and/or Middle Eastern people. I have a number of friends who are from Asian decent. It is done out of the goodness of our hearts.

-Steve

Los Angeles, California. The city of racial violence, natural disasters, anarchy rioting, and the world's most popular Chinatown. It's a city of danger, threats, menacing, and chicken teriyaki. Only the strongest, the richest, the most resilient, the most rebellious, and the most Oriental survive. If you don't walk the walk, talk the talk, or talk Chinese, then your life will soon be in a world of hurt, because in the streets of L.A., there's only one gang of people who hold dominion over all - The Jets.

Not only were they the toughest, the rowdiest, the most robust gang of kids you ever saw, they were also quite skilled in ballet, tap dancing, yodeling and break dancing. All of these characteristics, of course, could only make a gang even more intimidating.

Of course, the Jets needed really weird names like Gee-Tar, Snowboy, Joyboy, and Big Deal, all of whom were just the normal people who didn't really talk much in the movie and were only recognized in the credits. And plus, the gang wouldn't have been interesting if there weren't a wide variety of members from different backgrounds. Like Ice, who was the white rapper from the nearby ghetto, the middle-eastern kid A-Rab, who was mysteriously dark-skinned with a big nose and furry beard who always wore that blasted rugged turban-and-cloak ensemble. Then there was Baby John, who was the depressed little teenage angst who whined, pouted, committed theft and violence, and occasionally dressed in pink tutus just gain attention, and Tiger, who actually turned out to be Tony the Tiger, who always wore the same black bandana around his neck and carried a bowl of Frosted Flakes wherever he went.

They were the one gang no one messed with. No one. No one except - The Skanks.

All the way from the east side of the city, deep within the Great Walls of Chinatown, lived the most fiercest Chins you ever saw. Arming themselves with Chinese Stars, sais, numchucks and chopsticks, the Skanks were by far the most devious and life-threatening band of Chinese folk you've ever seen since Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

So it was no surprise that on one fine average day in Los Angeles of rebellion, insurrection, revolting and low prices at the nearest Target and Wal-Mart that there should be an interlude of gang violence. And so, there was.

A little girl was playing with her Jumbo Sidewalk Chalk her mom just bought her on the Jumbo-sized sidewalk just as nicely as you please. Then, a dark intimidating shadow loomed over her causing her to run in fear. For this shadow belonged to something dark and intimidating.

The members of the Jets and the Skanks.

"Bernahdo" said Riff in his thick Austrian accent.

"Mo hin chi mao hungah mabba Riff!" yelled back Bernardo in his native tongue which was some odd Chinese dialect unknown to the U.S. Down at the bottom of the screen, subtitles appeared in a small white glazed lettering making it just as possible to read as it was to understand him in the first place: "So, we meet again Riff!"

The Skanks lined up and came face-to-face with snarling sneers and tormenting taunts. Each bore a facial expression more impertinent than the next.

"You tahkin to me?" Riff angrily inquired.

Bernardo lunged forward to the point where he was within centimeters of Riff's face. The camera zoomed in into Bernardo's face, then, quickly zoomed into Riff's face. A snarl form Riff. The camera then returned to Riff, then whizzed over to Bernardo, then made a follow-up back to Riff, then zoomed into Riff, then rocketed up for another close up of Bernardo, then spun up to Riff, then, the camera slowly approached Riff's face and then quickly jerked back over to Bernardo before suddenly - -

__

Commentary

"Hello, this is George Lucas, the director of South Side Sing-A-Long here for the 'South Side Sing-A-Long DVD Audio Commentary'. Many poeple often ask, 'Yo dawgg, what iz up wit dat whole camera zoom whack in da furst seen? I almost got sick as a mug afta seein that sh'. So, allow me to elaborate. I used a technique used in several foreign fighting films. This gives the scene an effect much similar to closing in on pod-racing scenes, or to create suspense in a light-saber battle, or in this case, to make fun of other cheap karate films, but I think - - "

__

Back to the story...

"Quing hagga ma bubaa whoopie uncka?" asked Bernardo. Unfortunately, there was a stain or a scratch on the screen making it now 100% impossible to read and interpret. No one ever knew what the hell Bernardo asked. If you ask me, it was probably something along the lines of 'would you like some sushi?'

"No! I don't care! You're going down you crazy Chinese sunuvabich!" yelled Riff. Then, all hell broke loose.

One of the Skanks, most likely Chino since he was funny-looking, power-kicked Baby John and he ran away bawling... like a baby. Then, another Skank grabbed a long wooden shaft and plunged it deep into Joyboy's stomach, pushed off the ground with it, then landed a drop kick into Snowboy and Ice. The Skanks were definitely kicking some major ass, and it was perfect timing for their most powerful and most unethical weapon -

Bernardo pulled out a large smooth-coated Siamese Cat. "Beware!" he spoke in plain English for the benefit for all, "I hold here in hands secret for Chinese-American food! Be very afraid!"

The Jets became very afraid.

"Stand back! Or else I use!" The Jets scrambled and huddled together. Then, in an ironic twist of fate, they made a frontal attack on the Skanks which took them by surprise. Riff uppercutted Bernardo as the word POW appeared next to his fist. A-Rab jabbed a Skank in the stomach and PUNCH appeared next to the unfortunate Skank's belly. It had all the necessary qualities that the original Batman and Robin had except for the tight spandex costumes.

Just when things were looking advantageous for the Jets, something happened that no one expected to happen.

A leather whip entered the scene from out of nowhere and managed to wrap the entire Skank brigade up in one hell of a farfetched manner while a furious blaze of bullets sprinkled the air in front of the Jets as they were frozen stiff. Then, Lieutenant Schrank, wearing his black trench coat and dark spectacles, dropped his gun and approached the Jets. Meanwhile, Officer Krupke, wearing his brown cowboy-like hat and leather pouch slung over his shoulder, carefully uncoiled his lash. The frozen Jets and the confused Skanks were frozen in confusion.

"Lieutenant?" asked A-Rab, "Why weren't we killed by the furious blaze of bullets that was sprinkled in the air in front of me and my comrades?"

"Because there are no bullets" he promptly stated, and with that he leapt off the ground and rocketed out of sight after saying something along the lines of 'the Matrix has you'.

Everyone focused their attention of Krupke, who was swinging from a large vine which was attached to a non-existent sky scraped. He totally put Spider-Man to shame. After jumping off the vine and doing a bunch of crazy flips and landing uncannily safe of the ground with a small gold statuette in his hand. "You crazy kids need to stop all of this fighting now!"

The Jets and Skanks, who had already stopped their fighting moments ago, agreed to stop.

"Now that's more like it! Now, there's been a raid down at the Club Obi-Wan. Seems like some of my Japanese friends have managed to smuggle in some illegal diamonds. I'm on it and you kids behave!" And having said that, Officer Krupke boarded a random elephant and rode it graciously out of sight.

The Skanks on the other hand knew that wherever there was Japanese trouble, there would be Chinese trouble too since their home countries have been in conflict for over two thousand years. So, realizing the inexorable war, the Skanks headed out to the Club Obi-Wan.

Now, with the Skanks gone and the enforcers of the law gone, there was only one thing left for the Jets to do.

"Jets!" yelled Riff, "It's song time!" All the Jets got into a horizontal line and slowly started snapping their fingers. No one knew exactly why the toughest and most robust gang in L.A. always snapped their fingers and randomly burst into song, but if you ask me, I think it makes them all the more intimidating. Suddenly, a little marble-sized picture of Riff's head appeared at the bottom of the screen. As the words of Jet's Song scrolled across the bottom, the head bounced along the syllable that was being sung in the song.

"So one, two, three, take my hand and come with me," started Riff as his little head danced about the words at the bottom.

"'Cuz you look so fine and I really wanna make you mine!" continued Baby John

"Oh, four, five, six, come on and get your kicks! Now you don't need money when you have a face like that, do ya honey?!" shouted Gee-Tar.

"Now I can see, you home with me!" yelled Snowboy.

Then all the Jets joined up for the chorus as they intricately put there arms around each other and kicked their legs up all in sync and spun around and jumped into the air. "Big black boots, long black hair, she's so sweet with her get back stare!" Arms flailed and legs kicked. They twirled around and all did unique poses. It was quite a feat to witness, but that was expected seeing that Darren from 'Darren's Dance Moves' had done the choreography.

"I said are ya gonna be my girl?" they all shouted in unison, as they formed a human pyramid. One could almost spot some random cheerleaders in background shouting Mickey, but that was more or less ignored.

At that point, some random guy that may or may not have been part of the band Jet came out with his electric guitar and started jamming up and down the neck of the six-stringed music machine. The Jets all started banging their heads, smashing their guitars against the street, setting drum sets on fire, and Action even went as far as to drop down and do the worm. Though all were enjoying themselves, A-Rab was enjoying himself the most as it was illegal to listen and take pleasure in music in his home country.

Then Riff stopped everyone, and in his rich heavy Austrian accent, he spoke. "Hey, isn't there some kinda dahnce tonight aht the gym?" The Jets concurred. "I think we should ahll go down and show those mangy Chinese punks who's da bahss around here!" The Jets cheered and wooted.

"Say, shouldn't someone inform Tony about the dance?" asked Baby John.

"Yeah, where the heck is Tony?" inquired Ice. No one knew for sure. Tony could be anywhere really. He was spotted three years ago in Middle-Earth practicing archery or whatnot, but then last year he was seen in the Caribbean dueling some pirates, and just recently he was found traveling across Greece in a large wooden horse. The possibilities were endless.

So, deciding to go in search of their missing comrade, the Jets all joined hands and skipped off into the sunset.

****

Comments: So there's the first official chapter. Yeah, since the fact that I am super lazy and was in a mad rush to finish this chapter, I way totally forgot if Harrison Ford or Keanu Reeves played Krupke. But who cares? I think it makes it all the more funny. Adn does anyone really know the lyrics to are ya gonna be my girl? i could've looked them up, but why?


	3. She Bangs

****

Authors' Notes: This is exciting. We have the latest chapter posted up before the deadline. Go us.

Much thanks to I-Love-Rupert, noisy lil brat, and sweet saturn for being the first actual members for writing a review. You will receive a thousand dollars in the mail. Or a sock. Preferably a sock.

****

Warning: This chapter is excruciatingly long and contains parodies of just more than West Side Story. Beware. You have been warned.

Somewhere in Spain or Mexico

The small room glistened beautifully as the Spanish sunshine broke through the windows and danced playfully about. A small table laid in the center of the seemingly innocent room where seemingly innocent activities would take place. And on that table laid something which definitely wasn't innocent:

A box of vanilla wafers.

Margarita entered the room wearing a rather fetching and provocative house dress. She bent over to the table and gasped in horror at the seemingly un-innocent box of vanilla wafers. Tears poured down her face as Rico entered the room. His suave blonde hair shined while his handsome tan flourished upon his impressively muscular body. He approached Margarita, but she hastened off. Cheesy romantic music began to play.

"You... you've been cheating!" Margarita shouted as her face became swollen with tears. She pointed her delicate fingers over to the table at the box of vanilla wafers.

"It's not what you think..." said Rico. He went over to her and comforted her as she cried.

"I promised I would kill you and myself if I ever found you cheating!" At this, she pulled out a slender revolver and gently loaded it.

"But dear, they're vanilla..." he said calmly. "Vanilla"

Just then, an old straggly man whose hair was black, white, and grey, entered the room wearing his prized tuxedo. "No... it's not what you think Margarita... it is only vanilla!" The woman laughed and went over to Rico. There, they hugged and passionately kissed. All was fine again, until...

She pulled the gun back out. "No! Not vanilla!" She then pointed the gun at Rico. "Don't you understand? I can't love you if Lola comes between us! I thought you loved me!"

"I saved..." he said coolly. "I though that meant something to you!" Margarita then pointed at herself and was overcome by tears and then, abruptly, pulled the trigger - - -

Then a cell phone went off. Margarita answered it. "I see..", she said. Then, putting it away, Margarita, who was a character on a Spanish soap played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, promptly left the set after explaining, "Lo ciento. Me queremos ir a la Los Angelas jugar en la musical "South Side Sing-A-Long." No puede hablar no. Adios!"

__

Back in Los Angeles

"My my my my music hits me, so hard, makes me say 'Oh my Lord! Thank you, for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and do high beats.' Feels good, when you know you're down! Super-dough homeboy from this town! I'm known - as such - and this is a beat - uh - you can't touch!" Riff listened merrily to his iPod as he frolicked on over to Tony's place.

Tony lived with his uncle Pietro who was the head worker in the Los Angeles Italian-American Mafia, so it only made sense that Tony should live out the rest of his days serving as a waiter in his uncle's spaghetti restaurant.

So Riff walked on into the Italian-American atmosphere surrounding the restaurant. "Tony!" shouted Riff.

"Riff?" Tony pondered, causing him to a basket of breadsticks. "That must be Riff, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell..." Tony gazed off into the distance with a blank face.

"Tony, Tony, Tony! Snap out of it!" Riff promptly smacked Tony. "Hey, I'm here to inform you about a major-happenin' dance tonight have at the school gym. We need your help. We think the Skanks might be planning something big tonight."

Tony's eyes glowed. "Riff, I need to tell you a secret..." Tony grabbed him and pulled him back to the kitchen. There, he pulled from his apron a white doo-rag and a thick heavy gold chain, both of which he put on appropriately. "Whaddya think?"

Riff was horribly, horribly, appalled. There were only two explanations for this. Tony must really be Eminem trapped inside the body of a beloved Mafia hit-man's nephew, or Orlando Bloom's next role was to play Rabbit in the summer's newest sequel "8 Mile: 2" What the hell is going on?, Riff wondered.

"What the hell is going on?" Riff said out loud.

"Man, I'm all psyched out about this rap battle at the dance tonight! It's gonna be off the _heezy_! I be rappin' , I be cappin', I be tappin', I be happen - - ing! Bing! Bling! Ring! King!"

"Oh, for God's sake Tony, not this damn rapper thing again! When are you going to grow up and abandon your childish goals and actually get a _real_ dream?"

"But I do have a dream!"

"And what's that?"

"To have a dream!"

"Look, Tony, just be there at the dance tonight. It's about time we show those Chinese Skanks who really owns these streets. And please... don't come like..._ that_." Having said his part, Riff left, finding it very odd about the things going on around him. He was now aware that Tony wanted to be a rapper, the Skanks were planning something big, and that the new C2 had half the calories and carbs of the regular Coke. Was this weird or what?

"You just hate me because I'm black!" Tony yelled back to Riff. Then, looking at his apron and doo-rag ensemble, he mercilessly cried. He took off his apron and walked outside into the back alley and did the only thing a real man could do in this situation...

He started to sing.

"Could be... who knows? There's something due any day. What will I say?

__

Insert a songfic to the tune of Something's Coming

Later that night

The Jets arrived at the Gym in their best suits and such. The only person who was not dressed was Tiger who was still wearing that damn black bandana. Fortunately, no one took notice that that was the _only_ thing he was wearing. Even A-Rab had gotten dressed up as he could be seen sportin' his new tuxedo-turban. There was something a little suspicious about him...

The gym was full of dancers and singers alike. Strobe lights were dazzling and flashing all over as the antique disco ball rotated gradually and brilliantly. As it was inevitable, the Skanks were spotted close at hand over by the punch bowl table eating hors d'oeuvres of sushi.

Tony managed to sneak in and found his way to the other end of the gym where a turn table and beatbox were wildly spinning and playing some very irregular- but surly ghetto - beats.

Riff and his companions huddled together as the high school principal came to the microphone in the center of the gym.

"Laaaadieeeees and gentlemen! Let's get reeeaaddddyy tooo ruuuuummmmbbbbbblllleeee!" he cried out dramatically. Then, looking embarrassed by the various confused and perplexed looks he was receiving, he immediately corrected himself. "Yes, um, uh, welcome to tonight's dance at the gym! I am proud to present you with tonight's entertainment, American Idol's Losing-Singer-Turned-Professional - "

Everyone cheered in hopes that Clay Aiken would soon appear, but alas they were let down when the principal announced - "

" - William Hung!"

The crowd went dead instantly dead. The Skanks hid their faces in humiliation, for William Hung was an utter disgrace to Asians everywhere.

"And, singing his #1 hit - 'She Bangs!'"

William made his way to the stage, avoiding several jeers and thrown tomatoes. Where the heck everyone was getting tomatoes remained a mystery. Word was that there was a Heinz factory nearby.

"Talk to me, tell me your name. You blow me off like it's all the same - "

__

Commentary

"Hello, this is producer Steven Spielberg here for the 'South Side Sing-A-Long DVD Audio Commentary'. Sure, it wasn't the greatest idea to have William Hung as the guest singer for the dance at the gym, but we were sort of low on budgets. Still to this day i regret spending a whopping $5,800,000 on 'Jurassic Park: The Lost World' which eventually ended up in sequel hell along with my $700,000 waste on 'Jaws III'. But, seeing that Both Ricky Martin and John Williams composed the music, it only made sense that 'She Bangs' should make its way onto the soundtrack at a reasonably cheap price."

__

Back to the Story

The crowd went wild. Who knew that such a horribly bad singer could sell 100,000 albums? The party-goers seemed to enjoy the music eventually, especially when everyone chimed in for the chorus: "She bangs! She Bangs! Oh baby, cuz she moves! She moves! She looks like a fly but stings like a bee, like every girl in history!"

Tony slid off and out of the way towards the beatbox central for his rap battle. The crowd was throwing theirs hands in the air yelling something like 'the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go...', but Tony was more concerned with his own lyrics which were madly driving around his head faster than a hobo after a ham sandwich. He was indeed wearing his old school ghetto-style clothing and even had his own rapper name picked out.

"Alrigh, alirgh, dat wuz em-in-em, wit hiz Tony-award winning rap." the announcer announced. "Now throw yer hands in da air for are next contestant - White Chocolate!"

Tony got up the microphone, his palms were sweaty, his knees were weak and arms were heavy. His shirt was stained form his mom's spaghetti..... then he began...

"My name is Tony, my friends call me Bloom

and if you mess with me dog, boy you're gonna face your doom!

I'm cool like a penguin, slick like a tuxedo,

so hook me up with a gooey Enchirido!"

The crowd yelled out "Go Tony! It's your birthday! Go Tony! It's your birthday!"

"My hair is bleach blond, my eyes are shiny blue

Can't run from me boy, my Elven eyes will spot you!

Sauron's my enemy and Gimli is my friend,

I'm and Elf myself and I come from Lorien!

Though Uruk-hai are advanced, Orcs don't stand a chance

When you see my arrows flying boy you ougtta dance!

My favorite movie of all time is "The Legend of Beggar Vance"

Buccaneers, buried gold is what I be seein'

When I'm cruising down the South Side in the Caribbean

I'm cruel when I duel, so just obey this rule:

If you take on Johnny Depp and I then boy you act a fool!

I'm a pirate in disguise, the plot was very wise,

The Black Pearl members tried, but in the end they still all died

I'm a Greek geek, but I'm no average boy

'Cuz I'm the sexy hunk who played in the movie "Troy"

I haven't seen the movie yet, but dogg this what I know:

Archellies is a major wimp, and plus he's kinda slow

I sky-dive and play pool, I go to Home Depot for my tools

Don't do drugs and alcohol kids, just stay in school!"

There was a euphoria which erupted in the crowd. Cheers and w00ts were thrown back at Tony. It was an eternally blissful moment...

"Alrigh, alrigh, alrigh! It seemz we hav a winna inda hiz-ouse! But letz see afta our final contestant - " Tony missed the guy's name due to another jubilant ravenous applause.

Another white guy got up to the mic and began:

"Fosheezy m' neezy! Pimpin' old school ninja wha-aaaaaaaaat! Backlane! Switch lane! break it down ya'll an' holla back youngins' n' oldins'! mcdonalds mcdonalds! kentuckey fried chicken and a pizza hut wha-aaaaaaaaat! peace motha in the bronx an' all da hood and whitey just struck back!"

There was an upsurge of ovation equal to that of Tony's performance. The contest was close. _Too_ close. Closer than a nineteen sixty-five spandex basketball uniform. Finally, the announcer got up.

"An' da' winna iz - - ICE!"

It was over. Tony turned around to face his successor - and was shocked. It was Ice, his friendly gang-mate and partner in crime. It was Ice, baby!

"Ice! What are you doin here dog?" Tony inquired.

"Man, dude, I owns dis joint! I be rappin since Bert an' Ernie taught me meh ABC's! Man dem two be old school!"

Tony concurred.

"Well, looks like I lost. I shall have to forsake my rappin days eternally." Tony said gloomily.

"It's alright Tony, I got some good news."

"What's that?"

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

Tony was ecstatic. Alas, a God did exist.

But just as quickly as that thought came into being, shouting and loud noises alike had exploded on the opposite end of the gym.

"What's going on?" asked Tony.

"It seems like a fight had started about three and a half minutes ago..."

__

Three and a half minutes ago

Riff and his bullies had cornered the Skanks over at the punch bowl table. The Skanks were prepared for this very moment.

"You want start something?" asked a random Skank.

Riff snarled. Bernardo hissed. Action growled. Chino sneered. A-Rab scowled. Baby John pouted and burped.

"You ain't got the guts do ya? Do ya? Punk?" Riff barked.

"We got guts!"

Well then.... Let's get it on!" Riff roared.

At that moment, two Japanese men whose names may or may not have been Guy and Kenny walked out wearing traditional Japanese clothing which totally did not suit them.

"Welcome to tonight's show of 'Most Extreme Elimination Challenge'!" My-Name-Might-or-Might-Not-Be-Kenny said. "Tonight, The Skanks versus The Jets as they battle each over to see who really owns these streets! Tonight's games include Boulder Dash, Door Slammer, and Dash of Death! Let's get it on!"

The gym had suddenly been transfigured into a giant slope where large rocky boulders were constantly falling down. The two gangs surrounded the base as the other dance guests began chanting something in Japanese.

"Our first contestant is Ma Haggi Chi Mabbawabba from the Skanks. His hobbies include cat-hunting and tying his hair into one hell of a rat tail" announced Guy/Kenny. "And he's going up the slope - whoa! - almost got him there and - WHAM! - oh no, he's out for the count!" Ha Maggi fell out under the boulder and wanly walked off.

"Our next contestant is Baby John of the Jets who -" but before Is-My-Name-Guy? could say anything else, that arrogant little bastard proudly tackled the course, only to get instantly knocked out and recieve a major concussion to his forehead. He ran off the course crying like the Baby John he is.

"Our Next contestant is Bernardo, who enjoys spaghetti dinners and home movies" Bernardo gracefully and tranquilly escalated up the slope with a few near-death collisions and a victorious ending. "And he's made it! That sets the score at Jet: 0 and Skanks: 1"

The gang members exited the gym along with their roaring Japanese fans and went out into the hallways for Door Slammers. The object was to smash into as many unlocked doors while avoiding the locked ones. Riff and Ice, who decided to join in, had managed to successfully clear the course and earn a few points while others, sadly, became seriously injured while head-banging themselves into locked doors. There was a small moment of silence before the last and final event.

"The score is Skanks: 4 and Jets: 3. This last event is Dash of Death. The object is -"

"-to run across several stepping stones spread over a mucky river and try to avoid the sabotaged platforms." said Tony, who was only watching since he was still depressed from losing his rap battle. "Yawn."

"Actually," said The-Men-Known-As-Kenny-and-Guy said together. "The goal here is to run form one end of the gym to the other without out being killed by a psychotic leather-faced chainsaw homicidal maniac whom we have found deep within the depths of Texas!" And sure enough, there stood Leatherface who held his chainsaw high above his head in a psychotic leather-faced chainsaw homicidal maniac way which only someone from the deep, dark depths of Texas would do. "Everyone who dies scores points for the other team. And.... BEGIN!"

The contestants, who were totally unprepared for this, took off running as Leatherface madly chased after them. Riff could hear blood-curdling screams as he panted heavily making his way to the opposite end of the gym. He felt thick dripping crimson paint splatter (which he later deducted as blood) against his back as he took off. He was drenched in sweat from fear and extreme exercise. Riff then got off the exercise bike and continued running.

More screams from behind him. Riff was driven halfway to insanity when he saw the other end of the gym. He was almost there when -

There was blood all over the floor. He slipped and fell and toppled over Action. Leatherface sprinted up to them, chainsaw raised, and ready top attack when -

"Wait," interjected Tony. "This makes no sense. Leatherface never existed. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based off of grisly local deaths, not some horrific leather-faced maniac!"

With that, Leatherface disappeared in a puff of smoke. Riff looked quite relieved after having escaped murder form that psycho, but then cried realizing that his death in the movie was still inevitable.

"And the final tally is Jets: 210,098,003 and Skanks: 6" said the announcing duo. "See you all next time on MXC!"

"Six?" asked Tiger "Who from our team died?"

"Only Snowboy and Joyboy, but they serve no importance in the movie, so it only makes sense to kill them off" said director George Lucas, who was sitting peacefully on the bleachers.

Tiger was glad. Not only had they gotten rid of the two most unpopular gang members and being able to get away with it, but they but a major dent in the Chinese population since so many of them decided to join. It was an event that killed more people than the Running of the Bulls.

Tony examined the gym. Decapitated body parts littered the ground, blood stained the floor, and the whole place was one giant bloodbath. The janitor was going to have a field day.

And that's when he saw her.

The janitor walked out wearing a gray jumpsuit and one of those funny janitor hats. She was so beautiful with her Spanish eyes and thick unibrow. She took a gander at the floor and cried.

"Tony!" she said "I can't do this alone!"

"That's why I'm here, Maria... we can do it together"

"Tony... I love you!"

So, without knowing how the two knew each other's names, they cleansed the floor of the gym top to bottom. She turned to Tony and smiled. "Tony? Can we run away from our feuding gangs? I don't want to see any our friends dead in a knife battle of see you shot innocently. Please? Please can we run away and live in London where we will have a son named Harry who will have a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead and one day destroy the most powerful Dark Wizard of all time?"

"Anything you want Maria....,"spoke Tony. "Anything..."

At that moment, Chino and Bernardo came in and grabbed Maria "How dare you clean gym floor with her! She does it alone! You American heathen!" After saying that, they dragged her off.

Tony sat there and cried his heart out. He was very depressed. He lost his rap battle, had his one true love taken away form him, and to top it all off, Riff hadn't been in character all chapter.

Tony sobbed.

The lights faded.

Tony crashed into the bleachers since he couldn't see.

He was all alone

****

Comments: Yes, we are aware that Legolas is from Mirkwood, not Lorien. Hey, i wanna see YOU find something that rhymes with Mirkwood. Smirk wood? Lurk could? Yeah... I like how that works.

That phrase Catherine Z-J says in Spanish is supposed to say "Sorry. They want me to go to Los Angeles to play in the musical 'South Side Sing-A-Long'. I can't say no! Bye!"

Please review! If you don't bad luck and misfortune will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity. I'm serious.


End file.
